They’re bringing American Gladiators back. Lemme repeat that for poignancy, they’re bringing American Gladiators back. I’m not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I do have fond memories recreating the Eliminator during lunch on the playground. And to this day, I secretly want a tennis ball launching cannon mounted on the back of my truck. However, like most retro revivals, the new one never quite lives up to the nostalgia. Anyways, here are a few ideas that might set the new show apart from the old one:
- Emasculator mode: Take any of the regular events but the guys have to go up against the buffed out ladies for extra shame. You lose, you cry.
- Instead of cheesy names for the Gladiators like Blaze or Storm, give them real Roman gladiator names. Nothing is classy-badassy (I just made that up, but you can use it too) like being tackled by Marcus Aurelius.
- Less padding, more concrete: crashmats and protective gear was sooo 1991. Fuck safety. If people think wresting a three hundred pound body builder is a good idea, they waive their rights to intact organs and solid bones.
- No more laser lights and smoke machines. That stuff just gave our generation a weird pavlovian response to rockshow lighting. The last time I saw Dragonforce play I had this weird urge to pummel someone with a giant q-tip. That could be just Dragonforce though.
- Random drug testing. Word around the water cooler is that a certain gladiator may or may not have been using some performance enhancing. But the last thing you want is for the public to think that the Gladiators have an unfair advantage over a 32 year old claims adjuster from Arizona.